It’s been just over 2 weeks since dad died. It seems to have happened an age ago and there’s still a part of me that can’t, or won’t, accept that he’s gone. I’m comforted by the fact that the last time I saw him, the day before he died, I hugged him, kissed him and told him that I loved him. I regret not telling him I loved him more often and I hope he knew just how much he meant to me. My dad; my hero.
During these difficult days, the goals that I set myself at the start of the month have given me focus and enabled me to keep moving forward. These are small, wavering baby steps right now but at least I’m moving forward when, sometimes, all I want to do is hide myself away.
One of my goals was to make something different for tea on a Sunday. So far, this is going well and I’ve made two different dishes. The food we ate was starting to get boring and repetitive so, hopefully, this will inject some interest into meal times and get the girls experimenting with different tastes.
I’ve managed to get out for several runs although it’s felt so hard. I’ve really struggled with pace and my legs just feel like they’re filled with lead. My head is just so busy with thoughts when I’m out that I’m sure energy that should be going to my legs is being diverted to my brain to enable the inane rambling to continue. On Friday’s run, the only time that I got peace was towards the summit of the hill of doom. At this point all I could feel was the pain in my legs and the hammering in my chest as I struggled to conquer the ascent. It felt amazing; I felt amazing. Free, for however brief a time, from the pain and heartache that losing dad has brought.
Yesterday’s run with Ali was uplifting too. We managed just over 7 miles and it felt great. We even managed to run up the infamous steps in Rickerby Park. Running with Ali is always good as we can gossip and put the world to rights and having someone there to keep me going really helped as it’s given me the confidence that this is just a blip and my running legs will return. I’ve also managed to get a place in the Great North Run again after getting drawn out of the Pre-ballot ballot! I managed to get one of the first 3,000 places for this iconic race in September.
My creative side is also starting to show itself and I have found it quite soothing to sit down and draw. It doesn’t matter about the end result, it’s just so peaceful to become totally absorbed into something.
I am also doing a challenge where I do Burpees (with push ups and star jumps, no less!) everyday. On the 1st January, I did one Burpee and thus now, on the 14th January, I will be doing (attempting!) 14 Burpees. I’m not looking forward to the 31 Burpees that I will be doing on the 31st! That is a bit mental!
I’ve also been getting out more with the family. Last week we had a walk round Talkin Tarn and yesterday we had a 3 mile walk just along the roads by our house. It’s so enjoyable to get out with the family and the girls enthusiasm at the wildlife they see is infectious. Yesterday’s walk was done as part of the other half’s Foot It Challenge, where the aim is to see how many species of birds you can observe within walking distance of your home. The snow was falling quite heavily as we set off but this failed to dampen the girls spirits and they had great fun trying to see who could spot the most birds.
The other half even asked me to marry him and so we’re hoping to arrange things for next March. We’ve been together nearly 14 years and so we think it’s about time we got on with it! Lots of planning to do and lots of things to keep us busy. It’s so good to have something positive to focus on over the months ahead.
And so, that’s how January’s going so far. It’s so difficult to look too far forward right now but, as I said, these mini goals are giving me the focus to keep on going. I know it will take a long time before things become ‘normal’ again, but my family is offering me all the support I need and I know we’ll all get through.